We make mistakes everyday. We don't read the fine print, we let our fears, emotions and insecurities get the best of us, we speak and act without thinking of the consequences, we spend money that we don't have, we take on more commitment than we can handle, and so on and so on. We. Make. Mistakes. It happens! All the time!
With all the mistakes and bad decisions we make, on a daily basis, why is it so hard to believe, to imagine that some of us make these mistakes or bad decisions when it comes to marriage? Why is marriage the one time, or one of the few times, that we are supposed to get things right on the first try? I know marriage shouldn't be taken lightly and, believe me, I didn't take mine lightly. When I married my husband, I honestly believed that we would be together forever. Yes, we had our problems, but I was naive enough to think that our love was strong enough to keep us together.
In believing that, with love, nothing else mattered, I set our marriage, our relationship up for disaster. I ignored problems and told my self that they didn't matter. I didn't want to upset him, so I would pretend that everything was fine, when something was bothering me. I pretended that I liked the same things as he did and hated the things he didn't. I pretended to be someone that I wasn't because I thought that's what he wanted. I lost myself, over the years. I found that I no longer liked or recognized the person that I had become. I was in a constant state of depression. It was, often, difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Life had no meaning. I became a shell of myself. After years of living this way, I decided it was time to move on. It was time to admit that I had made some bad decisions. (There is a lot more to the story and to that decision, but that is for another day, and maybe not such a public forum.)
With all of that being said, I do not regret getting married. I have gained so much from my marriage: the best in laws a girl could ask for, a world of memories and knowledge, 2 beautiful children, and so much more. What I do regret is my own actions, or lack there of. I wish I would have had the self confidence to be myself, to stand up for my convictions and beliefs. I wish I would have demanded to be heard and seen. I regret putting on a happy face and pretending everything was fine. I regret blaming my depression on being tired and not speaking up about what was really bothering me. I regret making so many mistakes, however I feel that it is my job to learn from my mistakes and use those mistakes as teaching points for my children.
I know that ending my marriage will hurt and affect more than just my small family and I am very sorry for that. It was never my intention to hurt anyone. I stayed strong as long as I could. I have just found myself at a breaking point and believe that it is best for everyone if we just move on. I want the best for my children, for my husband and for myself. I want him to find someone that loves him like I used to. No, I take that back, I want him to find someone that loves him more and better than I ever did. I would like the same for myself. I want the kids to grow up with happy, loving parents. My dream, or fantasy, is that, one day, we can learn from our mistakes. That we can both learn to communicate with each other and learn to work together to raise our children the best we can. That we can both find new love and be happy for each other. I know this isn't very realistic, but I already have so much regret, that I'd like to have some hope for a decent future.
My reason for writing this is not to air my dirty laundry, but to explain, briefly, why I do not think that "you should stay together for the children" or "marriage is a lifetime commitment" are acceptable arguments or reasons to stay together. I've lived that life, and it was no way to live. It negatively affected me, my husband, the kids, and everyone else around us.
