The road to hell is paved with good intentions

We make mistakes everyday.  We don't read the fine print, we let our fears, emotions and insecurities get the best of us, we speak and act without thinking of the consequences, we spend money that we don't have, we take on more commitment than we can handle, and so on and so on.  We.  Make.  Mistakes.  It happens!  All the time!

With all the mistakes and bad decisions we make, on a daily basis, why is it so hard to believe, to imagine that some of us make these mistakes or bad decisions when it comes to marriage?  Why is marriage the one time, or one of the few times, that we are supposed to get things right on the first try?  I know marriage shouldn't be taken lightly and, believe me, I didn't take mine lightly.  When I married my husband, I honestly believed that we would be together forever.  Yes, we had our problems, but I was naive enough to think that our love was strong enough to keep us together.

In believing that, with love, nothing else mattered, I set our marriage, our relationship up for disaster.  I ignored problems and told my self that they didn't matter.  I didn't want to upset him, so I would pretend that everything was fine, when something was bothering me.  I pretended that I liked the same things as he did and hated the things he didn't.  I pretended to be someone that I wasn't because I thought that's what he wanted.  I lost myself, over the years.  I found that I no longer liked or recognized the person that I had become.  I was in a constant state of depression.  It was, often, difficult to get out of bed in the morning.  Life had no meaning.  I became a shell of myself.  After years of living this way, I decided it was time to move on.  It was time to admit that I had made some bad decisions.  (There is a lot more to the story and to that decision, but that is for another day, and maybe not such a public forum.)

With all of that being said, I do not regret getting married.  I have gained so much from my marriage:  the best in laws a girl could ask for, a world of memories and knowledge, 2 beautiful children, and so much more.  What I do regret is my own actions, or lack there of.  I wish I would have had the self confidence to be myself, to stand up for my convictions and beliefs.  I wish I would have demanded to be heard and seen.  I regret putting on a happy face and pretending everything was fine.  I regret blaming my depression on being tired and not speaking up about what was really bothering me.  I regret making so many mistakes, however I feel that it is my job to learn from my mistakes and use those mistakes as teaching points for my children.

I know that ending my marriage will hurt and affect more than just my small family and I am very sorry for that.  It was never my intention to hurt anyone.  I stayed strong as long as I could.  I have just found myself at a breaking point and believe that it is best for everyone if we just move on.  I want the best for my children, for my husband and for myself.  I want him to find someone that loves him like I used to.  No, I take that back, I want him to find someone that loves him more and better than I ever did.  I would like the same for myself.  I want the kids to grow up with happy, loving parents.  My dream, or fantasy, is that, one day, we can learn from our mistakes.  That we can both learn to communicate with each other and learn to work together to raise our children the best we can.  That we can both find new love and be happy for each other.  I know this isn't very realistic, but I already have so much regret, that I'd like to have some hope for a decent future.

My reason for writing this is not to air my dirty laundry, but to explain, briefly, why I do not think that "you should stay together for the children" or "marriage is a lifetime commitment" are acceptable arguments or reasons to stay together.  I've lived that life, and it was no way to live.  It negatively affected me, my husband, the kids, and everyone else around us.

One of the greatest gifts you can give 

anybody is the gift of your honest self.

~ Mr. Fred Rogers

 

 

30 Day Shred - Day 7

Yay, I just completed my first week of this workout/weight loss program!!!  I'm so excited and quite disappointed, at the same time.  I'm proud of myself for what I've done, but also disappointed that I only got 4 1/2 workouts in.  Especially when each workout is only about 20 minutes or so.  It really is hard to juggle a family, work, fitness, a social life and everything else one has on their plate.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it's hard.  I really am trying to change the way I think, though, I promise :0)

Well, I wasn't sure if it was going to happen or not, but I did manage to get my workout in today.  I didn't get to it until after 10pm, but I did it and that's what counts.  Even with as tired as I was, I KILLED the workout, other than the jump roping and push-ups.  I just have very little upper body strength, so the push-ups are difficult for me, also, the jump rope is rough on my calves.  I'm just not used to using my legs like that.  My calves usually start to burn after about 20 seconds of jumping.  Both exercises are getting a lot easier, though.

30 Day Shred - Day 6

I have no idea what is going on lately.  Jocelyn slept in, again.  Normally, I would be celebrating this, however, she's my alarm clock.  So, when she sleeps in, I sleep in.  When she woke me up, I quickly got up, gave her a drink and breakfast, changed into my workout clothes and turned my video on.  I got a little more than a third into my workout before Gabriel woke up.  I paused the DVD and ran to the back room to get him.  I sat him down on the couch with some of his toys and tried to continue my workout.  He was okay with it UNTIL I started on some crunches.  I'm not sure why, but he DID NOT like that.  He kept shaking his head and yelling "no, no, no!".  Needless to say, I only got halfway through my workout.  I was actually doing really good, too.  I'm surprised with how much easier things are getting.  I can get deeper into my movements and I'm not getting winded during the cardio anymore.  It really shows just how out of shape I really was/am.

What a Difference

I've been trying to figure out when do my weigh ins and updates on my measurements.  I thought about doing a weekly weigh in and just post my "after" measurements when the program is over.  Then, "anal retentive" Katie came out.  If I did my weigh ins on Thursdays, then I would be weighing myself of the 1st, 8th, 15th, 22nd and the 29th.  "Wait that would only be 29 days.   Should I skip the 29th and just do all my measurements for the week on the 30th?"  My mind swirled with worry.  I know, it's ridiculous!  To put this much thought into when to get on a scale, is just mind numbing.  I'm sorry, I just can't help it.  My mind is just funny like that.  Anyway, I came to the decision that I will go ahead and do a weigh in and take my measurements on the 11th, 21st and the 31st.  Why did I pick these days, you might ask?  Good question.  The 30 Day Shred DVD has 3 different workouts on it.  I have been doing level 1 all week and will start level 2 on the 11th, and I will start level 3 on the 21st.  I thought it would just make sense to do my measurements as I end one level and move to the next.  Again, I know I'm crazy for putting this much thought into all of this, but I'm pretty sure you're a bit nuts to have read this, haha.

Anyway, now that I've got all of that straightened out, I just wanted to say that I can already see and feel a difference in my body.  My muscles feel tighter and stronger.  I'm getting deeper in my squats and lunges (my daughter even noticed a difference in my movements, again she's 4, almost 5).  I, also, feel more held in, or something like that.  Before, I used to feel like I was spilling out and jiggling everywhere.  Now, I just feel firmer.  It's hard to explain.  Like I've said before, I still have a long way to go, but it feels GREAT to know that things are changing.  I can't wait to see how I look and feel at the end of this!

30 Day Shred - Day 5

I'm really disappointed in myself because I never got around to working out on Monday.  Baby girl slept in which means that I slept in.  She is my little alarm clock, after all.  Gabe woke up while I was cleaning up breakfast, so that threw the rest of my day off.  It's hard enough to workout with Jocelyn running around, but it's pretty much impossible with Gabe.  Since I had to work 1-9, I decided to spend the morning cleaning and hanging with the kids.  I was hoping to get my workout in after work, but the kids were still up when I got home.  I didn't get them in bed until well after 10.  By that time, it was no use.  Hopefully, I can get back on track soon.

30 Day Shred - Day 4

I had yet another busy day on Sunday, however, I did manage to squeeze a workout in during Gabriel's afternoon nap.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty pretty good.  I was still tired because Gabe woke up really early, but I wasn't really that sore.  I tried to bring him to bed with me because I was hoping to get a bit more sleep, but he wasn't having it.  So, we headed out to the living room, instead.  I put on a movie and we snuggled up on the couch together.  It felt so good to have some alone time with my little man, since I had had such a busy weekend and didn't get to see him that much.  Unfortunately, I got a little to comfy and fell asleep.  The next thing I know, I'm waking up to a loud crash.  Gabe had gotten a hold of an empty wine glass that hubs had left out and he smashed it on the table.  Thank god it was a clean break and seemed to be contained to the small table.  Of course, the noise was loud enough to wake Jocelyn up, so she came out to see what was going on.  Gabe still had no interest in snuggling, but Joss sure came through for me.  We watched a few Christmas movies.  Well, she watched.  I kept dosing off.  We had a nice lazy morning, but things picked up after lunch.

I put Gabriel down for his nap around noon.  After Jocelyn had her lunch, I had her help me clean the living room, so that I could workout.  She, again, decided to exercise with me.  I was so excited because I had so much fun last time.  However, she got tired after a few minutes and then quite.  While I was doing my first set of crunches, she told me she was going to play a new game.  She then started to yell at me.  "Keep going!  Up down up down!"  I didn't understand what was going on, so I kinda laughed at her.  She responded with "Do you think this is funny?  Working out is NOT funny!  This is serious!  You're not working hard enough!  Move you're booty!"  I stopped for a moment and just looked at her with my mouth hanging open.  She must have seen my confusion because she quickly explained that she's being "that woman on the TV" pointing to Jillian Michaels.  Baby girl watches a lot of Biggest Loser with me, so she's seen Jillian at her best/worst.  I have to say, Joss sure kicked my ass.  As my friend, Connie said, "maybe she's got a future in personal training."

The workout, itself, was a lot easier this time around.  The things that are killing me the most are the jump roping and jumping jacks (my calves are killing me) and the push ups (I have very little upper body strength and my arms get tired really fast).

After the workout and Gabe's nap, I took the kids to my Grandma-in-law's for her annual Christmas tree decorating party.  I absolutely LOVE Grandma Wean!  She's one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met.  I was a little disappointed because 3 of the younger cousins weren't there, and Jocelyn and Gabe were really looking forward to seeing them, but we still had a lot of fun.  We got the tree and other decorations up in no time, with all the help we had, visited a bit and then had dinner together.  Dinner smelled fantastic!  Grandma made one of my favorite meals from when I ate meat...bbq pulled pork.  My mouth is watering, just thinking about it, however, the thought of eating it makes me sick to my stomach.  Weird!  I did have a wonderful salad for dinner, and that's really all I needed.  Shortly after dinner, Gabe started to get a bit cranky, so we had to pack up and leave.  We were there for a little over 4 hours, but it didn't feel like it at all.  As a gift for helping her decorate, Grandma got each family a beautiful poinsettia plant.  I enjoyed the rest of my night with the kids and we all made it to bed pretty early, which was spectacular.

Sorry, I feel like I babbled quite a bit on this one, but I just couldn't stop...I had such a GREAT weekend that I just want to share everything :0)

30 Day Shred - Day 3

 I decided to take Saturday off, for several reasons.

This is a picture of my friend Connie (left) and me (right).

First of all, I could hardly walk in the morning.  Part of the reason is that I went to a party Friday night, I drank a lot (for me at least), managed to get home and get 4 hours of sleep, and then had to be at work at 7 am.  However, it was mostly due to the workouts I had on Thursday and Friday.  Being this sore hurts like hell, but it's kinda nice.  I feel so accomplished when I'm sore like this.  I also love the thought that my body is changing!  I know I just began, but my muscles already feel different.

This is another picture of Connie and I.  I have some serious mixed emotions about this picture.  First of all, it's hilarious because the party was a lot of fun and I can still hear Connie's drunken voice from the conversation.  However, it disgusts me because I don't realize how bad I look until I see pictures.  This was a serious reality check for me.  I MUST GET RID OF MY EXTRA CHINS!!!  Among other things.

Second, like I already said, I had to be at work at 7 am.  I could have worked out before coming in, however, I thought sleep would be a better option.  Especially since I wasn't going to get much to begin with.  I didn't want to push myself or body too hard.  I know sleep is very important in the healing process and thought I'd go that route.  I have to say, I actually put a lot of thought into this decision.  I hated taking the day off on the 3rd day, but felt like I had a real reason.  I wasn't just being lazy.

Next, after work, I only had about 2 1/2 hours with my family until I had to meet a friend for dinner.  I thought about sneaking a quick workout in, but I thought the family time was more important.  I left for work around 12:30 on Friday afternoon, went from work to the party, from the party to bed, from bed to work and didn't get home until about 1:15 Saturday afternoon.  That's a long time for me to be without my kids.  When I finally got home, I was so heartbroken because I could just tell that the kids missed me like crazy.  I felt so selfish for going out and leaving them.  However, I do, now, realize the importance of having a social life.  I am a completely different person since I started going out.  I have hope and dreams and thoughts of a future, again.

Finally, I didn't get home from dinner and coffee until 10pm.  Seriously?  We talked for 6 hours?  I have NO idea where the time went, but that happens when you have great company and conversation.  Anyway, by the time I got home, I was so exhausted from the busy 2 days that I had and sore as can be from working out and from sitting in a very hard, uncomfortable chair for so long.  I crawled into bed, turned on the tv, relaxed a bit and then passed out.

All in all, I had a fantastic weekend!