Changes

The other night, while hubs and the kiddos were sleeping, I was enjoying the silence of the night.  While I miss the sleep, sometimes it's nice to have alone time, and, often, I have to stay up late to get that.  Anyway, I was evaluating my life and trying to work somethings out that I'm struggling with and it occurred to me that I can't make the changes I long for until I change my thinking.  I've been told that I'm not good enough, one way or another, for as long as I can remember.  I've let people take advantage of me and my kindness for far too long.  I've put others needs and happiness above my own.  I've taken care of everyone else and neglected myself.  I did and continue to do all this because I don't seem to think that I deserve any better.  For some reason its easier to believe the bad things people say than the good. This way of thinking is the reason I have put on so much weight over the past 8 or 9 years, and the reason I fail to meet any of my weight loss goals.

Now that I know what I need to do, how do I do it?  How do I tell myself that I deserve happiness, if I don't fully believe it?  How do I go about believing it?  How can I see past my own flaws, when that's all I've seen for 20 some years?  Well, I'm pretty sure that I have to figure this out for myself, but it would be great if someone out there had an answer for me. 

In writing this, I have discovered that I've already, unknowingly, made the first step.  Within the past few months, I have been surrounding myself with positive people.  It's amazing what a change that alone can make.  I see things differently when I'm not bombarded by negativity at every turn.  I'm happier than I have been in YEARS. Another thing that JUST occurred to me is that I usually get really down this time of year.  However, this year is different.  I get down from time to time, but nothing like I used to.  I still have a long way to go, but it's nice to see that I'm on the right track.